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Bar Jokes
Jokes, funny texts - Bar Jokes
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There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said,
- "can I help you"?
The duck said,
- "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"
The bartender said,
- "NO! This is a bar and we don't sell raisins."
The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool! The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him? The duck said,
- "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"
The bartender said,
- "NO this is a BAR we don't sell raisins!"
So the duck walked out again and left. He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again!
The duck yelled at the bartender,
- "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"
The bartender said,
- "NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there."
The duck said,
- "ok", and left.
The next day came and sure enough the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said,
- "quack, quack, got any nails?"
The bartender replied,
- "No!"
The duck said
- "Good, then you got any raisins?"
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category: Bar Jokes
There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!
- "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.
- "Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."
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category: Bar Jokes
Two guys were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
- "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy.
- "Bet you $10 he won't," replied the second. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first his money.
- "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."
- "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
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category: Bar Jokes
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points to the guy in the middle, shouting,
- "Your Mom's the best lay in town!"
Everyone expects a fight but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders up to the end of the bar. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says,
- "I just screwed your mom and it was really sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces,
- "Your mom even let me..."
Finally the guy interrupts,
- "Go home, Dad - you're drunk again!"
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category: Bar Jokes
There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said:
- "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
- "No, it's not that." the man replied, "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener."
The man was really sobbing now,
- "I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison..."
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category: Bar Jokes
These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells
- "I don't serve strings in this bar..."
The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts,
- "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"
String says
- "Yeah."
Bartender says,
- "aren't you a string?"
String says,
- "No, I'm a frayed knot..."
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category: Bar Jokes
Horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading his paper. The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten dollar bill for it. Now the barman figures the horse isn't that bright, so he decides to pull the old 'short-change' trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse with 1 dollar. The horse doesn't say a word. The horse eventually finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another. The bartender says to him,
- "Y'know, we don't get many horses in here."
To which the horse replies,
- "At nine dollars a beer, I'm not surprised!"
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category: Bar Jokes
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