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Blind Jokes
Jokes, funny texts - Blind Jokes
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A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
- "I'm sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork. he returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
- "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again.
- "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
- "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says,
- "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife,
- "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
- "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,
- "Hey, I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
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category: Blind Jokes
A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.
- "We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."
- "Very clever!" remarks the other patron.
Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says,
- "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?"
"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being refered to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"
- "Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!"
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category: Blind Jokes
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said,
- "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered,
- "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed,
- "Wow these mugs are big!"
The bartender replied,
- "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied,
- "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,
- "Don't flush, don't flush!"
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category: Blind Jokes
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal- Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says,
- "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says,
- "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said,
- "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".
She says,
- "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says,
- "That will be $25.50."
She says,
- "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says,
- "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
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category: Blind Jokes
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks,
- "What are you doing?!!"
The blind man replies,
- "Just looking around."
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category: Blind Jokes
A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower.
- "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."
The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts:
- "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?
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category: Blind Jokes
A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out,
- "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."
The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says,
- "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"
The blind carpenter says,
- "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."
The foreman says
- "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."
The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says,
- "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."
The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says,
- "Ready!"
The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says
- "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."
The foreman says,
- "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."
The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says,
- "Ready!"
The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says,
- "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."
The foreman does this and says
- "Ready!"
The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says,
- "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."
The foreman is amazed and says
- "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."
The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says,
- "Ready!"
The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says,
- "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."
The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says,
- "Ready!"
The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says,
- "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat."
He got the job.
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category: Blind Jokes
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