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Dumb Jokes
Jokes, funny texts - Dumb Jokes
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I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child.
- "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!."
As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue.
- "What's the matter, madam?" he asked.
- "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed.
- "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"
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category: Dumb Jokes
So there's these 2 muffins in an oven. They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked. And one of them yells
- "God Damn, it's hot in here!"
And the other muffin replies
- "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"
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category: Dumb Jokes
There once was a boy called Matty who didnt have a body, he only had a head. Then it came to his 18th birthday, so his dad who felt sorry for him took for a pint down the local pub, Matty was very excited about having his 1st drink of alcohol , so the proud father came in and placed Matty down on the bar and ordered 2 pints. Then the father poured the beer into Mattys mouth, and once he'd finished a body had grown onto Mattys head, so he kept drinking and by the end of the night he was a normal man, with arms, legs, toes and fingers, but Matty kept on drinking. The lesson you should learn from this is to always
- 'Quit while your a head'
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category: Dumb Jokes
A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.
- 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.'
So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says,
- 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.
The guy grabs the microphone and says,
- 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!'
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category: Dumb Jokes
There were three horny dogs (A British bulldog, A German shephard and a Chihuaha) A poodle walked by and she says
- "Ill let one of you fuck me if you can use liver and cheese in the same sentence"
The Bulldog says
- "I hate liver and cheese"
She says
- "Nope that wont work"
The German shephard says
- "I love liver and cheese"
She says
- "Nope that wont work"
The Chihuaha says
- "Liver alone cheese mine"
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category: Dumb Jokes
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. Even after forty years of marriage, my wife and I always hold hands any time we go out. If I let go, she shops. My mother-in-law got a mudpack facial and looked great for 2 days. Then, the mud fell off. A doctor finishes his exam and his patient asks,
- "Doc, how do I stand."
The doctor says,
- "That's what I'm trying to figure out, too!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,
- "You've been brought here today for drinking."
The drunk says
- "Great! Let's get started."
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category: Dumb Jokes
There is a man that just got done eating dinner and he was on his way to a party.
Half way there he said,
- "man i really gotta take a dump." he got off the freeway, found an abandoned gas station went in there and took a dump. While he was taking this dump he read a sign that said
- "There is no tolet paper... You have wipe your ass with your first two fingers, then stick them out the hole and they will be licked clean for you."
Well, he had no choice so he wiped his ass with his fingers and stuck them out the hole. All of a sudden a guy with two bricks smacked his fingers. The man screamed with pain and licked his own fingers.
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category: Dumb Jokes
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