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Farmer Jokes
Jokes, funny texts - Farmer Jokes
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A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
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category: Farmer Jokes
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said,
- "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer,
- "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
- "No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
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category: Farmer Jokes
This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100. The neighbor says,
- "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."
So the farmer takes him home and says,
- "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"
The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond. The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead. The farmer says,
- "Roy, did you have to die?"
Roy says,
- "Quiet! They're about to land!"
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category: Farmer Jokes
A farmer in Louisiana One day a farmer in Louisiana was counting his money. He had done pretty well with the cotton crop that fall, so he decided to go to Texas and celebrate. He got off the bus in Fort Worth, and asked,
- "Where's a good place to eat?"
A man said,
- "Right down the road is a men's club."
The farmer didn't realize they had a swimming pool, a work-out room, indoor squash, and racquetball. He just walked to the restaurant door and said to the waitress,
- "Lady, bring me a steak and a coke."
The waitress brought out a mug that was 12 inches in diameter and 1 1/2 feet tall. The farmer said,
- "I just wanted a coke, not the whole factory!"
She said,
- "Mister, this is Texas and everything's bigger in Texas."
Soon she came back with his steak, and it hung over all sides of a huge Sizzling platter. He said,
- "Lady, I just wanted a steak, not the whole cow!" She said,
- "Mister, this is Texas, and everything's bigger in Texas."
He finally finished his meal and asked the waitress,
- "Which way to the restroom?"
She said,
- "It's down the hall, third door on the right."
The farmer absentmindedly turned into the third door on the left and, with one step, fell into the swimming pool.
- "Help! Help!" he screamed. "Don't flush it!"
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category: Farmer Jokes
A farmer goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a chicken farm. Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious, but doesn't say anything. The same thing happens when the farmer returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks. When he returns for the fourth time, the owner's curiosity is too much for him, so he asks the farmer why he keeps coming back for so many chicks. The farmer says,
- "Well, I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I think I'm either planting them too deep or too close together."
Bemused by his lack of success, the farmer sends off a report of what he has done to the local agricultural school, asking for advice. Three weeks later, the reply comes back, saying simply,
- "Please send soil sample."
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category: Farmer Jokes
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night, she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said,
- "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
- "And what about the men?" the minister asked.
- "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
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category: Farmer Jokes
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer, who had never been on an airplane, was fascinated by a stunt plane and asked the pilot how much a ride would cost.
- "$20 for 3 minutes." the pilot replied.
- "That's too much." said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said,
- "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make any sound at all, you'll have to pay me the $20."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a thrilling ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer,
- "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
- "Maybe so," said the farmer, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
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category: Farmer Jokes
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