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Heaven Jokes
Jokes, funny texts - Heaven Jokes
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A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked,
- "Where do you want to go?"
- "Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa..
- "And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest.
- "Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny.
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category: Heaven Jokes
A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said,
- "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
- "Oh, No!" she said.
But Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
- "Who was God's son?" asked Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said
- "Andy!"
- "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter.
Then the Blonde started to sing
- "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."
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category: Heaven Jokes
Gabriel came to the Lord and said,
- "I have to talk to you, I have some Cajuns up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are swinging on the Pearly Gates. My horn is missing. Barbecue sauce is all over their robes. Ham hock, spareribs, and crawfish shells are all over the streets of gold.. Some folks are walking around with one wing . They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds. They have eaten almost every animal up here! Some of them aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair."
The Lord said,
- "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil and see how he is dealing with them."
The Devil answered the phone,
- "Hello? Dang, hold on." The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello, God, what can I do for you?"
God replied,
- "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there with the Cajuns you have there."
The Devil said,
- "Wait one minute," and puts the Lord on hold. After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back. What was the question?"
God asked again,
- "What kind of problems are you having downthere?"
The Devil said,
- "Man, I don't believe this..... Hold on, God."
This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said,
- "I'm sorry, God, I can't talk right now. These Cajuns have done put the fire out, and are holding a benefit to install air conditioning and Direct TV so they can watch LSU in the Sugar Bowl"
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category: Heaven Jokes
A very happy couple, on the eve of their wedding day, is killed by two stray bullets in a robbery gone bad. At the pearly gates they approach St. Peter and ask,
- “Please, sir, we were just about to be married, is there any way we can have the ceremony up here?”
- “Well,” St. Peter replies, “It's never been done but I'll check into it.”
Two hundred years pass and St. Peter calls up the couple and says, - “Okay, you can get married now.”
A couple of months pass and the happy couple isn’t so happy anymore.
- “Please, St. Peter,” the man complains, “my wife is driving me insane. If we weren't dead already I'd have to kill her.”
- “Okay, okay,” St. Peter replies, “I'll see what I can do.”
A thousand years pass and St. Peter tracks down the bitterly feuding couple again to share the good news.
- “That's great sir,” the man exclaims, “but why did it take so long to get married and even longer to divorce?”
- “Well,” St. Peter replies, “it usually takes a long time for a priest to grow old and die. How often do you think a lawyer gets up here?”
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category: Heaven Jokes
This group of New Yorkers went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Golden Gates that day. He didn't know what to do with so many people at the gates so he ran to God. St. Peter said,
- "God there is a group of New Yorkers at the gates and they want to get in."
God says,
- "Well, what is the problem? Let them in, two at a time if you have to."
So St. Peter runs back to the gates to let them in. A few seconds later God hears St. Peter running back. St. Peter comes running up to God and says,
- "God, they're gone!"
God says,
- "Who? The New Yorkers?"
St. Peter says,
- "No, the Golden Gates!"
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category: Heaven Jokes
A nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,
- "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said,
- "I think it's your hands."
- "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied,
- "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
- "What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said,
- "Sister, I think it's your legs."
She looked at him with confusion.
- "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
- "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
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category: Heaven Jokes
Three men who all spent their entire adult lives working in the health care industry are killed in a train wreck. Shortly after, they find themselves in line at the Pearly Gates, waiting for admission into heaven. As they approach, Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves. The first man steps forward and says,
- “I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”
Saint Peter says,
- “Enter.”
The second man says,
- “I was a psychiatrist. I helped thousands of people overcome their problems."
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven. The third man steps forward and says,
- “I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”
Saint Peter tells him,
- “You may enter.”
As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds,
- “But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”
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category: Heaven Jokes
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