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Holidays Jokes
Jokes, funny texts - Holidays Jokes
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It was Christmas time, and the postman rang the doorbell because he had an urgent letter. The lady of the house opened the door, asking for his request. Taking the letter, she said,
- "Come in, postman. I'll give you coffee and a good breakfast."
So the mailman came in and ate his meal. Right after he had finished eating, the woman said,
- "Come on, let's go to bed now."
The postman was excited, went with her to bed, and they had fun together. Afterward, the woman gave him a dollar-bill. Puzzled, he said,
- "What the hell is the reason that you made breakfast for me, went to bed with me, and now you're giving me a dollar? I suppose the rest was enough!"
The woman replied,
- "Well, it's Christmas. I asked my husband what we should give the mailman, and he said, 'F*** him! Give him a dollar.' But, the breakfast was my idea."
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category: Holidays Jokes
Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally, the 10-year-old said to her younger sister,
- "Well you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."
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category: Holidays Jokes
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says,
- "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
She woman replied,
- "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
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category: Holidays Jokes
I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said,
- "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."
Taking a deep breath, I asked him,
- "What is that?"
He replied,
- "They're all nocturnal."
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category: Holidays Jokes
An atheist complained to a friend,
- "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter. And Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. Muslims have their holidays, too."
- "Every religion has holidays to celebrate. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized national holiday. It's an unfair discrimination"
His friend replied...
- "Well, why don't you celebrate April 1st?"
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category: Holidays Jokes
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
- "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal. Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished. He said to the woman,
- "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
- "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
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category: Holidays Jokes
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him,
- "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied,
- "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned,
- "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back,
- "I'm in the secret service.
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category: Holidays Jokes
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