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Marriage Jokes
Jokes, funny texts - Marriage Jokes
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One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked,
- "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered,
- "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"
- "Yes," was his reply. She said, "Well, today I didn't do it!"
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category: Marriage Jokes
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor,
- "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
- "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about fifteen feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about fifteen feet from his wife in the kitchen, as she is chopping some vegetables and says,
- "Honey, what's for dinner?"
He hears no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again,
- "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies,
- "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
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category: Marriage Jokes
Grandpa Melvin Cranston was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
- "I will tell you the secret of my success," he happily cackled. "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
And, Grandpa Melvin continued,
- "Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
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category: Marriage Jokes
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full-length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.
- "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day, take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
- "How long will this take?" she asks.
- "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops.
- "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs and replies,
- "Why not? It worked for your ass, didn't it?"
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category: Marriage Jokes
- "Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said. "And, I have decided to give your wife $775 a week."
- "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then, I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
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category: Marriage Jokes
When her late husband's will was read, a widow learned he had left the bulk of his fortune to another woman. Enraged, she rushed to change the inscription on her spouse's tombstone.
- "Sorry, lady," said the stonecutter. "I inscribed 'Rest in Peace' on your orders. I can't change it now."
- "Very well," she said grimly. "Just add, 'Until We Meet Again.'"
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category: Marriage Jokes
Three bored soccer Mom's were sitting around before their kids' soccer game, discretely talking about their love lives.
- "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does," one woman boasted.
The second woman giggled and confessed,
- "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her Jamba Juice, then finally frowned and sighed,
- "I call my husband the postman. He always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."
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category: Marriage Jokes
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