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Marriage Jokes
Jokes, funny texts - Marriage Jokes
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- How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception?
- They're the ones dancing with everyone but their wives.
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category: Marriage Jokes
- What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
- Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post."
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category: Marriage Jokes
- How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
- At least one within a week of the wedding.
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category: Marriage Jokes
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic. But, the fourth and youngest child is an ugly runt.
- "My darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die. I will forgive you if ..."
The wife gently interrupts him.
- "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath,
- "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
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category: Marriage Jokes
Ma and Pa Kettle were sitting on the front porch rocking away listening to Reverend Ike on the radio. The Reverend said,
- "Place your left hand on the part of your body you want healed, raise your right hand in the air and say, 'I Believe, I Believe!' and you shall be healed."
Well, Ma placed her left hand inside her blouse over her tired, old heart and lungs, and raised her right hand in the air and shouted,
- "I Believe, I Believe!"
Meanwhile, Pa just looked at her like she was some kind of lunatic. Then, Ma started breathing nice and easy, without her old wheeze, and she started rocking twice as fast as before. A wonderful color came back into her cheeks. Pa shrugged his shoulders, and figured what the heck. So, he shoved his left hand down the front of his pants. Then, he started to raise his right hand in the air, when Ma said,
- "Pa, the Reverend said, 'Heal,' not raise the dead."
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category: Marriage Jokes
A man came home from work early one day, and found his wife naked and panting on the bed.
- "Honey," she said, thinking quickly, "I think I'm having a heart attack!"
While rushing to call the doctor, he nearly stumbled over his crying four-year-old daughter, who told him that there was a naked man in the closet. The husband ran to the closet, opened the door, and there was his best friend.
- "For goodness sake, Arnie!" he shouted. "Christine is having a heart attack, and here you are scaring the kids to death!"
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category: Marriage Jokes
After being away on business, Clarence McDougal thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
- "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
- "That is a bit much," said Clarence.
So the clerk returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
- "That's still quite a bit," Clarence groused.
Growing annoyed, the cosmetics clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
- "What I mean," said Clarence, "is I would like to see something really cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
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category: Marriage Jokes
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