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Marriage Jokes
Jokes, funny texts - Marriage Jokes
show: 85 - 91 z 113
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A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. The husband asks,
- "What are you doing?"
She replies,
- "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25-year-old."
The husband retorts,
- "Well, what did he say about your 50-year-old ass?"
- "I'm sorry my dear, your name never came up," replied the wife.
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category: Marriage Jokes
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them that he had developed a new machine and asked if they would like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden. Well, they thought that was a good idea and decided to give it a try. The doctor set it at 10% to begin with, telling the man that even 10% was probably more pain than he had ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling, and asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to 20%, and since the man still felt fine, the doctor raised it to 50%, and finally to 100%. After the birth was over, the man stood up, stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine. But when they got home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.
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category: Marriage Jokes
With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife,
- "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."
His wife replied,
- "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"
The husband said,
- "I know all that."
- "Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.
The guy answered,
- "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."
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category: Marriage Jokes
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, and pinched her on her butt, and said,
- "You know if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought, and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife up with a pinch on the breast, and said,
- "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said,
- "You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother."
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category: Marriage Jokes
One afternoon at a luncheon, three women were chatting and comparing their respective husbands.
- "I call my husband 'Ferrari'," said the first woman, "because he's fast, sleek and really good-looking."
- "I call my husband 'Land-Rover'," added the second woman, "because, although he's nothing fancy to look at, and often quite dirty, he has a certain rugged appeal - and he'll go anywhere."
- "I call my husband 1935 Austin," replied the third married lady, "because he's old, makes a lot of noise, and always needs starting by hand."
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category: Marriage Jokes
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf. The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest.
- "How much is it?" she asked.
- "One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
- "But it comes with an inscription," the pro said. "What kind of inscription?" she asked.
- "Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'."
- "Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place."
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category: Marriage Jokes
One afternoon, Christopher's father picked him up early from school to take Chris to a dental appointment. Knowing that the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, the father asked his son if he had gotten a part. Christopher enthusiastically announced that indeed he had gotten a part. Chris prouldly exclaimed,
- "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
- "That's great, son. Keep up the good work, and before you know it, they'll be giving you a speaking part."
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category: Marriage Jokes
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