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Marriage Jokes
Jokes, funny texts - Marriage Jokes
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A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
- "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
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category: Marriage Jokes
Two women were in a hair salon talking about their home lives when the subject of flighty husbands came up.
- "It's unbelievable," one woman said. "I can never figure out where he goes at night."
- "I know exactly what you mean," said the other woman. "One second he's in the house, and the next he's gone without a trace."
- "Well," says a woman eavesdropping nearby. "I always know where my husband is."
- "How do you manage that?" the other two women ask.
- "Easy," she replies. "I'm a widow."
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category: Marriage Jokes
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.
- "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."
- "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.
- "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."
- "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
- "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply,
- "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed.
Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try. The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks,
- "What on earth are you doing?"
- "Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"
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category: Marriage Jokes
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says,
- "Hey Stevie, wanna play house?"
He says,
- "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies,
- "I want you to communicate."
He says to her,
- "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means."
The little girl smirks and says,
- "Perfect. You can be the husband."
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category: Marriage Jokes
Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them. The first guy said,
- "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible."
The second guy says,
- "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God."
- "She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"
- "Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."
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category: Marriage Jokes
This young man named Jake was about to get married and was very nervous. He asked his brother for some advice. His brother told him to rent a motel room out at the Highway Motel because they had thin walls and that he'd rent the room next to him, and if he got into trouble, all he had to do was holler out and he could help him. So, the guy gets married, they rent the room, the brother rents the room beside them. The guy is so nervous, he locks himself in the bathroom for hours and won't come out. His new bride has to go to the bathroom and just can't hold it any longer. She finds an empty shoe box and takes a dump in it, then slides it up beside the bed. Finally the husband comes out of the bathroom, turning out all the lights. He walks over to the bed and of course does not see the box of shit on the floor. So he steps right in it. He yells out,
- "Ohhhhhh shit!!!!"
His brother hears his call and yells back,
- "Turn her over Jake, turn her over!!!"
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category: Marriage Jokes
During the weeks before Amy's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine.
- "All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN... then we shall get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong."
The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear. When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself,
- "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn." Or, as it sounded to him, "I'll alter him!"
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category: Marriage Jokes
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