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Medical Jokes
Jokes, funny texts - Medical Jokes
show: 22 - 28 z 36
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- "Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
- "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
- "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
- "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
- "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
- "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
- "Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
- "Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed,
- "Shit! THAT'S the word!
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category: Medical Jokes
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
- "What the heck did you do that for!?!" the man screams.
- "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man says,
- "No I don't, you IDIOT... But my wife out in the car still does!"
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category: Medical Jokes
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says:
- "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers:
- "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"
Doctor says,
- "You're not drinking enough water."
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category: Medical Jokes
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
- "What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
- "No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
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category: Medical Jokes
A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination. She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room. He instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups. As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm". He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done. In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.
- "Oh, that" he says." I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."
The young woman proudly smiled and replied,
- "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"
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category: Medical Jokes
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath. The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub. Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. After examining him, the doctor said,
- "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"
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category: Medical Jokes
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,
- "Okay, Mrs. Smith, what's the problem?"
The mother says,
- "It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, - "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says,
- "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?"
Lynda says,
- "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
- "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies,
- "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
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category: Medical Jokes
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