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Military Jokes
Jokes, funny texts - Military Jokes
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The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote him a "Dear John" letter, breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. The soldier went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying:
- "Regret cannot remember which one is you - please keep your photo and return the others."
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category: Military Jokes
A woman, married to a Navy Pilot, inquired about an increase in their monthly allotment for living quarters, because rents near the station where he was based were so high. She received the following letter in reply:
- "Class Q allotments are based upon the number of dependents, up to a maximum of three. If the birth of a child will mean your husband is entitled to more quarters allowance, notify him to take the necessary action."
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category: Military Jokes
My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications suddenly went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station. When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my father's hand.
- "Don't congratulate me, sir," my father said modestly as he pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing."
The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant.
- "Congratulations," he said. "The major's wife just had a baby girl."
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category: Military Jokes
A Scottish private walked into the pharmacy near his base, pulled a beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asked the pharmacist how much it would cost to repair the condom. The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spot welding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, he could sell the private a new one. The private said,
- "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back in two hours with an answer."
Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and said,
- "The regiment has voted to replace."
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category: Military Jokes
Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said,
- "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked,
- "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty replied,
- "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
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category: Military Jokes
Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the Colonel's wife smiled demurely,
- "Don't worry about it; this is the first time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."
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category: Military Jokes
The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias.
- "Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable."
- "When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star. Does that answer your question?"
- "Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?" asked the Ensign.
- "Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves."
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category: Military Jokes
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