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Military Jokes
Jokes, funny texts - Military Jokes
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An older Army general recently went to the doctor for his yearly physical. Before he began, the doctor asked the old general the standard questions - age, height, weight. Then the army doc asked when was the last time the general had sexual relations.
- "Oh," the general mused, "It was 1945."
- "Isn't that a long time to go without sex?" the doctor asked.
The general replied,
- "I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13."
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category: Military Jokes
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. The young lad anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked her grandson,
- "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup of coffee?"
Her grandson proudly replied,
- "You know Grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."
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category: Military Jokes
After a lengthy tour of sea duty, an old sailor finally gets some shore leave. Fortunately, a nearby brothel had been recommeded to him by some of his younger shipmates. The old sailor walked over to the brothel, where he chose his girl and began.
- "How am I doing?" he asked her.
- "Three knots," she replied.
- "Three knots? What does that mean?" asked the sailor.
The girl answered,
- "You're not hard. You're not in. And, you're not getting your money back."
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category: Military Jokes
One weekend, there was a costume party at a mental hospital, and the theme of the party was "war". The first patient comes up onto the stage and says,
- "I am an atomic bomb."
He gets his applause and steps down. The second person comes up and says,
- "I am a hydrogen bomb."
Again, there is a round of applause and he steps down. And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says,
- "I'm dynamite."
Everybody in the audience runs away hysterically. When one of the mental patients was asked why they all ran away, he replied,
- "Didn't you see how short his fuse was?"
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category: Military Jokes
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
- "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
- "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it would be worth it to you."
- "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
- "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better," replied the Marine.
The manager was impressed.
- "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
- "Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine.
- "How did you manage that?" asked the manager.
- "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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category: Military Jokes
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said,
- "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says,
- "General Wheeler."
- "I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said,
- "Drive on!"
The sentry said,
- "Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated,
- "I’m telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said,
- "General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"
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category: Military Jokes
An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb. pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, - "This is shit."
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile,
- "This is good shit!"
A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55 lb pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin,
- "This really is great shit."
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 lb pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says,
- "I love this shit!"
An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air conditioned, carpeted BOQ room and says,
- "The cable's out? What kind of shit is this?"
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category: Military Jokes
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