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Office Jokes
Jokes, funny texts - Office Jokes
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Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.
- "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."
- "Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."
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category: Office Jokes
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
- "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
- "Excuse me?" the accountant said.
- "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
- "I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
- "I'll start you at eighty thousand."
- "Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
- "That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
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category: Office Jokes
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.
If the room has a sweaty odour, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.
If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.
If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
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category: Office Jokes
The 6 stages of any project:
1. Enthusiasm
2. Disillusionment
3. Panic
4. Search for the guilty
5. Punishment of the innocent
6. Reward of the non-participants
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category: Office Jokes
An employee who had a terrible history for taking time off phoned in again one Monday morning:
- "I'm sorry, but I'll not be able to come in today as I'm too sick."
On hearing this his exasperated boss could barely conceal his anger and retorted in a rage:
- "well, just how sick are you?"
- "Well" the employee sighed, "I'm in bed with my sister!"
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category: Office Jokes
Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing-- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is
- "Ignore my last message. I took care of it."
If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says,
- "Sorry, this mailbox is full" a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
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category: Office Jokes
Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
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category: Office Jokes
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