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Office Jokes
Jokes, funny texts - Office Jokes
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An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting.
- "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. - "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard." Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
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category: Office Jokes
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said,
- "What can your dog do?". The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said,
- "Show the fellows what you can do".
Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.
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category: Office Jokes
Quote from a recent meeting:
- "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".
Quote from the Boss...
- "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A direct quote from the Boss:
- "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
My Boss said to me
- "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.
My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain. I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him. He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE. Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it. Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution:
- "I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
HR Manager to job candidate
- "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
Quote from telephone inquiry
- "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.
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category: Office Jokes
- "You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......"
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks,
- "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.
A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say,
- "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you,
- "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?".
You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.
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category: Office Jokes
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
- "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
- "We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
- "Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
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category: Office Jokes
There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all. However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost
- "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph".
The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots. The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.
So what's the moral of the story?
The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
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category: Office Jokes
You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks,
- "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.
A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say,
- "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn".
Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you,
- "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?".
You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.
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category: Office Jokes
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