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Office Jokes
Jokes, funny texts - Office Jokes
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Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.
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category: Office Jokes
Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
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category: Office Jokes
Top Ten Tricks To Liven Up A Meeting
Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.
Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.
Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.
Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)
Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"
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category: Office Jokes
Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. I would not allow this associate to breed. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. He would be out of his depth in a puddle. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better. This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
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category: Office Jokes
An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said,
- "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."
Jill said,
- "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."
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category: Office Jokes
A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper,
- "I'll have a C monkey, please".
The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying
- "That'll be $5,000".
The customer pays and walks out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says,
- "That was a very expensive monkey, most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"
- "Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says to the shop keeper,
- "That one's even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?"
- "Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff."
The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. He gasps to the shop keeper,
- "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
- "Well," says the shopkeeper, "I don't know if it actually does anything, but says it's a Consultant."
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category: Office Jokes
- "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
- "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
- "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
- "Amen"
- "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
- "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
- "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
- "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
- "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
- "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
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category: Office Jokes
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