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Psychiatrist Jokes
Jokes, funny texts - Psychiatrist Jokes
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A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.
- "For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!"
The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied,
- "I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California."
The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said,
- "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask."
- "OK," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"
The genie paused, and then sighed,
- "Did you want two lanes or four?"
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category: Psychiatrist Jokes
A man was talking to his psychiatrist.
- "I had the strangest dream last night. I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. You can imagine, I found this very disturbing. In fact, I woke up immediately and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed, waiting for morning to come. Then I got up, drank a Coke and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding,
- "A Coke? That's a breakfast?"
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category: Psychiatrist Jokes
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to reenter society.
- "So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies,
- "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."
Dr. Leroy nods and says,
- "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."
The patient replies,
- "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."
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category: Psychiatrist Jokes
- "I saw the doctor today about my loss of memory."
- "What did he do?"
- "Made me pay him in advance."
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category: Psychiatrist Jokes
Patient to his psychiatrist:
- Doctor, I can't remember anything! I forgot what happened yesterday. I forgot what my car looks like. I can't even remember my own name.
Psychiatrist:
- How long have you had this problem?
Patient:
- What problem?
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category: Psychiatrist Jokes
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
- "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
- "Sadness," said the student.
- "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
- "Elation," said she.
- "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied,
- "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
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category: Psychiatrist Jokes
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed.
- "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
- "What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.
- "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
- "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
- "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
- "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
- "So, what's your problem?"
- "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
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category: Psychiatrist Jokes
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