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Redneck Jokes
Jokes, funny texts - Redneck Jokes
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You could be a redneck if you were just married and you have nothing but empty Skoal cans strung from your bumper as you leave the church.
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category: Redneck Jokes
- What has 72 arms and 36 heads an has an I.Q. of 12?
- A redneck bar on friday night.
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category: Redneck Jokes
If somebody accuses you of lying through your tooth, you might be a redneck.
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category: Redneck Jokes
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
- "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The guy leaned over the counter and said,
- "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg."
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category: Redneck Jokes
A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said,
- "Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered,
- "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"
The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said,
- "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said,
- "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed,
- "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"
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category: Redneck Jokes
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said,
- "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself,
- "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"
Whereupon, his brother replied,
- "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said,
- "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"
The brother winked and replied,
- "Denephew."
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category: Redneck Jokes
A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked,
- "What's this, Paw?"
The father responded,
- "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said,
- "Go get your maw!"
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category: Redneck Jokes
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