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Relationship Jokes
Jokes, funny texts - Relationship Jokes
show: 15 - 21 z 81
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A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says
- "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."
The man says
- "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues,
- "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."
Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues,
- "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."
Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
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category: Relationship Jokes
Mary was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend,
- "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch."
- "What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.
So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
- "Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"
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category: Relationship Jokes
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said,
- "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
- "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said,
- "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
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category: Relationship Jokes
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
- "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
- "I froze to death," says the second.
- "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
- "It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
- "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head.
- "That's so ironic," he says.
- "What do you mean?" asks the first man.
- "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
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category: Relationship Jokes
A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother,
- "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"
- "That's your father."
- "Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"
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category: Relationship Jokes
A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc. His friend looked at him and said,
- "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."
The host said,
- "Well, to be honest, I've forgotten her name."
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category: Relationship Jokes
- How can you tell if your wife is dead?
- The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
- How can you tell if your husband is dead?
- The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
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category: Relationship Jokes
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