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Relationship Jokes
Jokes, funny texts - Relationship Jokes
show: 36 - 42 z 81
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A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice.
- "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted:
- "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
- "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
- "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
- "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
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category: Relationship Jokes
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded,
- "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
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category: Relationship Jokes
On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says,
- "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.
- "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.
Puzzled, she asks,
- "My picture?"
He answers,
- "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks,
- "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims,
- "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture."
He beams and asks,
- "Why?"
She answers,
- "So I can get it enlarged."
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category: Relationship Jokes
A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news. Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of. Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell. His wife opened the door and bellowed at him,
- "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."
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category: Relationship Jokes
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says,
- "Not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says,
- "Not yet."
Finally they say,
- "When can we see the baby?"
And the mother says,
- "When the baby cries."
So they ask,
- "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says,
- "I forgot where I put it."
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category: Relationship Jokes
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He looks in his rear view mirror and notices a police car with its red lights. He thinks,
- "I can outrun this guy", so he floors it.
The cars are racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy realizes he can't outrun the cop so he gives up and pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says
- "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said,
- "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"
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category: Relationship Jokes
Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
- "Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
- "Nope."
- "Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
- "Nope."
- "Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
- "I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
- "Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"
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category: Relationship Jokes
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