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Religious Jokes
Jokes, funny texts - Religious Jokes
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A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
- "Is this yours?" he asked.
She said,
- "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "
- I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said,
- "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said,
- "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
- "No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."
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category: Religious Jokes
- "For Heaven's sake, Chris, why can't you talk to me once in a while?" Julie whined.
- "What?" Chris replied.
- "Look around!" Julie yelled, as she pointed around the room. "Look at all these books! You always have your head buried in a book! You don't even seem to know I'm alive!"
- "I'm sorry, honey," Chris said.
- "Sometimes I wish I were a book. Maybe then you'd at least look at me!" Julie exclaimed.
- "Hmmmm," Chris mumbled, "that's not such a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."
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category: Religious Jokes
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said,
- "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered,
- "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?"
So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said,
- "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied,
- "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said,
- 'What is a 'caress'?
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said,
- "Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said,
- "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked,
- "What is 'make love' Lord?"
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said,
- "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"
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category: Religious Jokes
One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said,
- "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"
God replied,
- "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."
So Adam says,
- "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"
- "I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
- "Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
- "I did that Adam so that you could love her."
- "Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
- "Well, Adam no. I did that so that she could love you."
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category: Religious Jokes
A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales.
- "Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi.
- "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
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category: Religious Jokes
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight.
- "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.
- "No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. - "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.
- "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.
A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said,
- "Cute little fart."
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category: Religious Jokes
A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00. Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked,
- "What's wrong?"
The reply came,
- "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"
The kid said,
- "Yep."
- "Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.
The kid replied,
- "You have to cuss it."
The preacher rose up indignantly.
- "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."
With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said,
- "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."
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category: Religious Jokes
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