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Sports Jokes
Jokes, funny texts - Sports Jokes
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Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.
- "I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."
- "Batted .007," his wife added.
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category: Sports Jokes
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.
- "How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."
The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game.
- "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"
The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied,
- "And how do I smell from here?"
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category: Sports Jokes
Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney,
- "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day."
Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
- "Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Sid.
After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.
- "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.
Sid looks at him forlornly,
- "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"
- "What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"
- "And a liar, too!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"
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category: Sports Jokes
- "How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
- "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
- "But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
- "But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
- "But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
- "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
- "Yup," Scott answered.
- "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
- "I forgot."
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category: Sports Jokes
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favored to win nationals easily. Penelope, a sixteen-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says,
- "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."
- "What!" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"
She replies,
- "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."
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category: Sports Jokes
Two boys were playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was walking by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy!
- "Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
- "But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replied.
- "Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again.
- "I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy said.
- "Then what are you?" the reporter asked.
- "I'm a Cowboys fan."
The reporter turns to a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
- "Redneck bastard kills family pet."
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category: Sports Jokes
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child.
- "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
- "No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."
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category: Sports Jokes
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