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Statisticians Jokes
Jokes, funny texts - Statisticians Jokes
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Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.
The physicist says,
- "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."
The chemist says,
- "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."
While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream,
- "What are you doing?"
To which the statistician replies,
- "Trying to get an adequate sample size."
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category: Statisticians Jokes
There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it, then slow down again once he'd got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied,
- "Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time there."
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category: Statisticians Jokes
A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a True/False test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers. The stats professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin... writing the answer... flipping the coin... writing the answer. At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying:
- "Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn't even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?"
The student replies bitterly, as he is still flipping the coin:
- "Shhh! I am checking my answers!"
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category: Statisticians Jokes
Logic is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with confidence. Statistics is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with 95% confidence.
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category: Statisticians Jokes
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
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category: Statisticians Jokes
How statisticians do it...
- Statisticians probably do it.
- Statisticians do it continuously but discretely.
- Statisticians do it when it counts.
- Statisticians do it with large numbers.
- Statisticians do it with significance.
- Statisticians do it on random walks.
- Statisticians do it stochastically.
- Statisticians do it. After all, it's only normal.
- Statisticians do it with standard deviations.
- Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
- Statisticians do it with only a 5% chance of being rejected.
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category: Statisticians Jokes
Patient:
- "Will I survive this risky operation?"
Surgeon:
- "Yes, I'm absolutely sure that you will survive the operation."
Patient:
- "How can you be so sure?"
Surgeon:
- "9 out of 10 patients die in this operation, and yesterday died my ninth patient."
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category: Statisticians Jokes
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